it has been 9 hours since he left. In that time,i have cleaned, cooked, cooked again, fed my babies, thought of the days gone by, thought of things gone wrong.It may sound depressing but it is not. It is funny, interesting and entertaining.
Not for the first time and within these 9 hours, it has struck me how much noise human beings make. We are constantly talking, shifting, walking about, moving things about, etc even when we don't need to.
I have always loved solitude since I can remember. There is something rather magical about keeping still and silent and having a conversation with only one person: you. This is perhaps because my family was small and personal space was more abundant than the mosquito in my room.
my home is a suburb of the commercial capital of India, Mumbai. some people say that i m so lucky to have moved to such a "happening" city. but i never wanted this ho hum. never. i have always been a loner. its easy to be alone. its safe. as long as u keep yourself from hurting. hah. so at the end of the day u HAVE to, just have to get hurt. isn't it. the more the pain, the more the ecstasy. it need not be a physical affliction. a good heartbreak lasts for weeks, and if provided by a near one, a dear one, well.... u can make it last for months....
does that make you a stress junkie? Stress junkies are people who, without even knowing it, use their own physiological responses as a mood-altering device. When we perceive ourselves to be in a threatening situation, we have specific reactions designed to help us either run like hell or battle for our lives: Our blood pressure increases (my doc will be happy as i have low blood pressure) and our digestive processes slow down (doesn't sound too well, i tend to gain weight easily). but otherwise its nice.
the comfort of that well worn shell. the one gifted to you by someone you trusted in the childhood. hey, u have to pay for that shell baby. it not given to the unworthy. u have to belong to the chosen bunch of people god sent on the planet to love and trust and.... baby, u have to love and trust, then only u can get betrayed.... isn't it?
pain makes you grow strong... pain makes you come closer to god... lifts you. its much easier to be strong... yeah..well, isn't it obvious that if you are strong, u can handle many things... u can take many blows... the most though thing in the world is to be weak, to be vulnerable. its easy to doubt... its very tough to trust... again.. so , wasn't the albino priest right when he said "pain is good".
slowly a time comes when nothing hurts you anymore, nothing breaks you anymore.. if u find something u truly wanted all your life it gives you the same feeling that loosing the same thing gives. isn't it what the wise old men meant by nirvana. they also embraced the same path, the path of pain, separation, loneliness.... they used to go in the mountains and stay there all alone, without proper food and only themselves as the company... and yeah, dear old god...
i woke up last night feeling the same lightness of my body, the sense of liberation. wanted to just get up from the bed and make a cup of hot black coffee and sit by the window... look thorugh the night... everyone sleeping. just me and myself.. but an arm, so protectively covering me, held me down... the sweet trusting and loving face, of so angelic in the deep slumber held me back. no, i m not liberated. i have a bond, i have someone who needs me.. who feels the pain when i m hurting..... sorry god. cant join you right now. of all the bonds in the world.. the bond of love is the strongest one... the cup of coffee will have to wait. i will have to move on. the temptation is great. but i have someone to look after... u will have to wait.. till then, hear the music of silence.
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